


day 1 of asking @shanemadej how he pronounces illinois

by Camomilletea



Category: Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, Illinois, Murder, New York, Protective Shane Madej, Rated T for swearing and violence, like literally just a joke, no beta we die like men, no capitalization, tw for blood and choking in a murderous way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24961228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camomilletea/pseuds/Camomilletea
Summary: Audri likes to tweet, to obsess over shane madej, and to get in friendly online fights. one said fight leaves shane frothing at the mouth. people who don’t know how to pronounce illinois, don’t deserve to breathe in life’s sweet oxygen. he and ryan go solve that problem. (HUGE CRACK FIC DEDICATED TO MY FRIEND AUDRI THIS IS SO STUPID IM SORRY)
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Shane Madej & the Professor, Shane Madej/Sara Rubin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	day 1 of asking @shanemadej how he pronounces illinois

shane leaned in ryan’s personal space, his eyes twinkling with a certain anger that was always hard to attain. ryan wouldn’t say he was scared, but he was definitely worried. whoever had made shane this mad was about to pay for it.   
“i found a FUCKING twitter account to annihilate” he growled. ryan’s eyes widened.  
“who? and why?”  
“the girl’s name is audri, and she doesn’t know how to fucKING PRONOUNCE ILLINOIS”   
ryan nodded, understanding the pain and anger shane felt. the taller man stalked away in his big ole audri stomping boots and ryan felt nothing but pride and love knowing one bitch was done for. 

shane knew where to go. to find audri’s address, he wasn’t going to look it up, or research, or hire an internationally renowned hacker to find out, but he did have a favor owed by a great, ancient, all knowing entity. standing proudly at a few tens of inches, blue fur highlighted by the golden rays of the declining sun, and gucci hat always on, the professor waited for him on his windowsill.   
“Shane Madej. What gives? I thought I was but an annoyance, a bother, these days?”  
“shut up you old fuck. where’s audri?” The professor sighed, used to the pain of rejection and the inability of having a civilized, intelligent conversation with the bigfoot lookalike.  
“Beyond great mountains and greater rivers, low valleys and high hills, stands one of our original thirteen states. You see-“  
Shane, exasperated, cut him off there, expecting it already to develop into a full blown history lesson.  
“stop there you blue bitch. where is she?”  
Now the professor was just sad. He was so looking forward to educating the tall man keeping him prisoner...  
“She’s in new york.”  
immediately shane knew where to go, exactly. he didn’t even thank the professor before grabbing his keys and running out of his apartment in wide steps, his long limbs aiding him in his speed. he had an address, and somebody was going to suffer soon (and by somebody audri is meant).

shane burst into the LA airport, an intimidating aura surrounding him and suffocating all that came near. at the check in was ryan, with two bags and two stark white tickets to New York. shane smiled menacingly, looking every bit the predator his sasquatchian ancestors were. he joined ryan in three long strides, and pat his head as a thanks, making the shorter man giggle a little. they checked in and half ran to the security post. in less than half an hour, they were sat on uncomfortable chairs, facing the neon- like advertisement poster next to their gate.   
ryan broke the silence first.  
“so... what are you planning on doing?”  
shane smirked, having anticipated this question a long time ago.   
“i stalked her account after she came onto my radar. she seems to really want me to choke her, or you. so, let’s give her what she wants, shall we?”  
ryan laughed, knowing he was in for a good show once they traversed the country.

a few hours passed, and they stepped out into the cold east coast witha. mission. a rented car and ryan’s entire driving playlist later, they pulled up to where shane knew, in the core of his being, the bitch resided.   
“it’s here. let’s go fuck her up.”  
ryan turned off the ignition and got out of the gray toyota, walking around it to open shane’s door like the gentleman he was. shane nodded to thank him, and walked up to the front door.   
a knock resounded like a whip crack throughout the nighttime silence. with a creak, the door slowly opened.   
a short, maybe five foot four girl stood behind it, staring at shane and ryan with awe, and immediately teared up. she began sobbing.  
“what in the... what.. the fuck?”  
they had successfully rendered her speechless. good for them, so she’d make less noise. 

shane smiled, and leaned in closer to her. sharply, he used one of his long, spindly hands to grab her wrist and tug her forward, and the other to muffle her scream of surprise.  
ryan stood waiting for his part. a nod from shane confirmed he was up. with audri still being held and silenced, he snaked a fit arm around her throat, and started talking in his theory voice as he began choking her.   
“you know audri, shane has always been portrayed as a sweet man on the show. but, fun fact, he isn’t always like that. sometimes, he gets mad. real mad. and you know what happens to make him mad? people who don’t know how to pronounce illinois. do you understand why you have to die now?”  
tears still ran down audri’s cheeks as she vehemently nodded. she had angered shane, she must pay the price. the punch that came next surprised her, and her head swung backwards like a funko pop. scarlet liquid shot out of her now-crooked nose, coating the back of shane’s fingers. she flailed around, oxygen making itself sparse in her dimming brain. the last thing she saw before closing her eyes for the last time were shane’s doe eyes twinkling with happiness, as if he were enjoying this as much as he’d enjoy a good pie. she went limp in shane’s arms, and he knew he’d done it. he’d eradicated one more uncultured person. 

“our work here is done, ryan. thanks for the help man”  
ryan wheezed softly, a smile adorning his shaven cheeks. fans liked to call this look baby face bergara, and he couldn’t look more innocent if he tried.   
“it’s no problem , i had fun anyway. one less ignorant and all that, eh?”  
they laughed together, and underneath the dawning sky drove back to the airport they’d left mere hours earlier. back where they’d left the body, a phone lit up with a notification, a tweet appearing top of the screen, that shane had asked sara to post at exactly that time.   
“@shanemadej: the right way”

the end

**Author's Note:**

> i pronounce it illinwa, by the way :)


End file.
